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My bathroom disaster

Gotta step in the bathroom super fast
To check her current Facebook dating status
To see if this is a confusing friend-zone thing.
I don't want to pay if it's a friend-zone thing,
But I totally will if it's a make out thing!
Might make me seem like a jerk, but whatever.
This quick trip to the bathroom
Is the best idea ever!

Wait, it seems kinda weird to just be on my phone.
I should probably just fake that I'm using a toilet.
Should I fake a number one or a number two?
I'll fake a number one so
I won't have to drop my pants
And I'm kind of embarrassed about my SpongeBob undies.
On my phone, fake peeing...
"Holy shit I'm clever!"
This quick trip to the bathroom
Is the best idea ever!

Oh crap, now that I'm at a urinal
I actually have to pee.
Do I aim at the back wall
Or at the urinal cake?
Great, now I'm kinda hungry for some cake.
And why is there always a random piece of
Gum in the bowl?
And where did that stray
Pubic hair come from?
Seriously, every time I use a urinal,
There's one in there.
Like, do people start losing their hair down there
Or did it get caught in someone's zipper and come out
Or did it- wait, why am I still talking about pubes? That's gross!
I got pee blowback on my pants!
They're ruined forever.
This quick trip to the bathroom
Might not be the best idea ever.

Out of nowhere, my foot gets tapped.
Maybe it's an accident and no big deal.
Gotta look over and see who did it.
Whatever I do, don't look at his junk.
Oh crap, I looked and he's into it.
Dammit, I looked again and he's even more into it.
I might've just got a boyfriend
Who will love me forever.
This quick trip to the bathroom
Is becoming the worst idea ever.

Gotta get away from Creepy Urinal Guy.
The guy next to me
Grunts like he's giving birth.
I play a game on my phone
To drown out the noise.
Oh man, I forgot Flappy Bird doesn't have music.
It smells like Shrek's dick in here.
I need to flee.
Gotta wash my hands
So they don't smell like pee.
What the hell?
"Employees must wash hands?"
I guess I have to wait for an employee to wash my hands.

Uh, hello? I guess I need an employee. Are there any employees here?

Seriously man, making noise won't help.
I'm gonna leave a bad review on Yelp.
Just then my date runs to the urinal,
Lifts up her skirt
And starts peeing like a man! I guess my date is a dude -
I'm not all that clever.
This quick trip to the bathroom
Was the worst idea ever.

Then Creepy Urinal Guy confronts my date.
I totally knew you were cheating on me!
So I guess that creepy guy is her boyfriend.
I'm super confused and it's only getting worse.
Then someone who looks exactly like my date walks in.
That's my brother, my identical twin!
All this crazy shit is making my head spin,
So I pull out my gun and point it at them.
"I don't know which one of you I have to shoot!"
You don't have to shoot either of us!
Yeah, I guess you're right... but
"Now I guess you're totally single."
The three of us should get naked and mingle.
I had the twins pay the check.
I told you I was clever.
This quick trip to the bathroom
Was the best idea ever!